pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
