god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
