if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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