If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
