got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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