She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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