i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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