i wish there were pregnant emoticons
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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