The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
