If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
