drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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