i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
