can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
