My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
