Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
