3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
