I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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