I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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