Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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