I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he's single and there are thong briefs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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