remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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