Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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