I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
