I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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