When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
