My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
