My cat gives me a boner
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
