ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
