So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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