how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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