____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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