Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
