When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
