he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
