so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
