God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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