I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
