I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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