After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
