Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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