the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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