I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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