I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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