Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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