I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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