You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
