I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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