his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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