I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
