I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
