I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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