we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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