He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
