No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
