My hand turned me down
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
